i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Floor bacon is actually really good
Success! We fucked roommates!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
