Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
