she was so not down for the gang bang
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
