I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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