I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
