new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize