I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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