are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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