my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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