I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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