i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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