We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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