im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
