i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
