He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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