I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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