I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This house was built for laser tag.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
