I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
