So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
