When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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