I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
