my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
