was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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