she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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