it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
