glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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