Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The uberlube is also flammable
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
