Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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