Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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