so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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