Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
