Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
