You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
