She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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