spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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