What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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