I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
