i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
