Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
