at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
