sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize