You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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