I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
