you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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