I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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