I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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