i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
