I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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