Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think I sprained my soul last night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
