Define "chronic" masturbator.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
