Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
