You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
