His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
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