saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize