My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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