i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
