Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It all started with a game of naked twister.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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