I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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