Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize