There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
