: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
