1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
