Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
