There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
